I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
