Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
