you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
