You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
