Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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