yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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