Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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