make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Text me some of your sweat
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
