Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
someone owes me an orgasm
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
