my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
