Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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