also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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