I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
