I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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