Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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