I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
