I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
