He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
