Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
