you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
