I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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