I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
