I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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