You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need to calm my uterus...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize