my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
