I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
