theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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