I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
