So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
