i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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