I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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