Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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