There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
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I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can't put those talents on a resume
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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