She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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