It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
