My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
