So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
