So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
