I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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