i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
