I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
