I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
