Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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