just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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