a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
