The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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