yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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