I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
