Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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