Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize