Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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