TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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