her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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