Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
