New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
