if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
