i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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