Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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