I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
