I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Too much gin, very little bucket
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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