Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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