The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love having hate sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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