Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
