I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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