Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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