Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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