Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
