Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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