My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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