he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
