My Higher Power is John Stamos
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my shit smells like andre
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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