my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
