She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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